Thursday, July 9, 2015

Murphy’s Law for parents of three-year-olds

I am going to take my parenting “expert” hat off and put my mom-of-a-three-year-old hat on. I’ve been feeling under the weather, and although I’m a glass-half-full kind of gal, I started to write these to make myself laugh. I hope you have some chuckles too. And yes, these did actually happen.

You will cut the wrong end of the freezie, stir the yogurt the wrong way, break the banana or use the wrong-coloured cup.

The day you are late for an important appointment is the day you will unbuckle the car seat, as you always do, and your three-year-old will shriek like he is being stabbed and refuse to get out.

The timer will beep, reminding you to take your very expensive tenderloin steak off the BBQ, at the same time your three-year-old yells frantically from the bathroom that he is done pooping and needs your help.

The amount of time your three-year-old spends on his bike without training wheels is inversely related to how much time it took you to find the tools and get the training wheels off.

The moment you finally sit down at the end of the day, and finally decide on a movie to watch, your three-year-old will come into the living room, saying,

“I can’t sleep.”

You will cut the grilled cheese sandwich the wrong way. And put the ketchup in the wrong spot.

The morning of the scheduled weekend away by yourself that you have been waiting for all year, you will discover you have a fever – that your three-year-old had days before.

The milk will get spilled, so you might as well just leave the paper towel holder on the table.

The words “I want to do it” go with “uh oh”.

The moment you high-five yourself for getting your three-year-old out the door – dressed, bladder emptied, tummy filled, teeth cleaned, on time – is the moment you realise you didn’t eat breakfast.

You will walk out of the house with your shirt on inside-out.  A few times. You may even get to work and realise you still have your pajamas on.

If you take the wagon, he will want to walk. If you don’t take the wagon, he will refuse to walk.

The day your three-year-old discovers where the scissors are kept is the day you leave your well-thought-out to-do list on the kitchen table.

The night you forget to put the mattress cover on the bed is the night your three-year-old will pee so fiercely, you’d swear an adult did it.

When you finally feel confident enough to wear more expensive pieces of clothing around the kids, your three-year-old will manage to get himself some yogurt and want a big hug for his accomplishment.

Your three-year-old’s favourite pair of shorts – that he must wear every day – will be white. Well, at first, anyway.

The first time you try leaving your child inside while you go out and do some backyard weeding, he will 1) go out the front door, 2) poop on the front lawn and 3) be discovered by your husband, who will just happen to come home early that day.

By the way, in between fits of laughter, he said,

“I love that that happened on your watch!”

This post originally appeared here. 

from The Express Tribune Blog

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